Revisit the short "funnies" from our
newsletters ....
Note: Please note that the jokes here are non-copyrighted fun stuff
that was found from around the Internet. If by chance we have posted a
copyrighted joke without attribution, please contact
us to let us know which joke is in question. This way, we can either remove
the joke or give proper credit to the author.
November 18, 2011
Baggage
My dear friend, a divorcee,
never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.
"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply
don't want to put up with it," she explained.
Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to
break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
Groaners
-- An invisible man marries an
invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
-- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
-- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
-- Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was
artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's
true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
-- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Rim Shot
-- I went to the butcher's the
other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
-- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut
off your arms!"
-- I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
-- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
-- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
-- A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."
Quick Ones
-- Two antennas meet on a
roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.
-- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
-- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
-- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer
please, and one for the road."
November 7, 2011
The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large
plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the
boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the
pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which
one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
Needing
Help
Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's
a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are
somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor
it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps
me awake!"
Bad
Combinations
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are
quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the
kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to
conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the
following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least... my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends.
Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.
"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own
weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with an answer: "They don't have a union."
October 21, 2011
Things to Never Say to a Cop
1. When you get pulled over,
say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only
goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was
bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
Ways to Mess With People in
a Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then
get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and
bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you
can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,
turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen
than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest
volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on
the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
How To Get A Life
It's never easy to overcome
innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming
habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:
- Let go of the mouse.
- Turn off the computer.
- Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
- Eat something other than taco chips.
- Pass wind without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
- Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
- Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't
tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
- Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).
Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid
damage or permanent sun blindness.
- When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding
goggles and go outside.
- If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem
connect sound.
- Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an
email address.
- Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with
someone you didn't meet in a chat room.
September 26, 2011
An Addiction
Connie told her 4-year-old
grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished
him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said,
"Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so
hard to quit."
Names
George goes to the Birth
Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the
father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons
Mark and Frank."
Computer Novices
Computer novices may feel like
they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there
are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information
superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database
of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right
back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The
caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have
telephoned in my bathrobe."
Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, in a land
far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog
as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a
handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you,
however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then,
my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed
frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
thought to herself:
"I don't really think so."
August 18, 2011
Shredded Similes, Mutilated
Metaphors
For your entertainment, actual
similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the
country in their student's essays.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about
the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature
Canadian beef.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
More Shredded Similes,
Mutilated Metaphors
For your entertainment, more
actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across
the country in their student's essays.
- He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his
wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn't.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at
7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
Even More Shredded Similes,
Mutilated Metaphors
For your entertainment, even
more actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from
across the country in their student's essays.
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them
in hot grease.
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of
35 mph.
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.
- Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that
had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
July 22, 2011
New Definitions
Read closely, and perhaps
slowly, to understand...
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
June 30, 2011
Anybody
we know?
A man was walking in the city,
when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked
him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave
you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm
going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
The Perfect Shot
-- June 10, 2011
A guy stood over his tee shot
for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance,
figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit
the darned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from
here."
The
Wisdom of Canines -- June 3. 2011
1) The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his
tongue. -Anonymous
2) Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful. -Ann Landers
3) If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers
4) There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben
Williams
5) A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
6) We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And
in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M.
Acklam
7) Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are
incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud
8) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down. -Robert Benchley
9) Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events.
The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog
news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the
next yard. -Dave Barry
10) My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein
11) Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
12) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read. -Groucho Marx
13) Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman
14) If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
15) Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
16) If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then giving Fido only two of them. -Phil Pastoret
17) My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am. --
an OleHoss
Sunbathing
-- May 23, 2011
Joan, who was a rather
well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the
roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she
decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an
overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying
on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me,
miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath
from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the
roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
Classic Bumper Stickers -- March 12, 2011
- We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- This is not an abandoned vehicle.
- I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
- It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
- Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
- Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
- My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm
going to miss her.
- When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
- I is a college student.
- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- Eschew obfuscation.
- Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Bad Coffee -- January 20, 2010
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get
myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help
noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was
standing behind the store counter.
She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."
Dealing
With a Lawyer --
February 2, 2011
A new York Divorce Lawyer
died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you
done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then
said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the
street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and
after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to
get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three
years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to
Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do
with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Little
Johnny's Candy Bars -- February 15, 2011
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"